Break free from jealousy with a new therapy approach
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Jealousy in relationships can be all-consuming. Whether you're caught in a cycle of ruminating on your partner's past relationships, or constantly worrying about what could be happening when you’re not around, jealous thoughts can feel impossible to overcome.
But the very strategies you're using to deal with jealousy could actually be making it worse.
Here's the reality: Most people have jealous thoughts about their partners from time to time. According to Metacognitive Therapy (MCT), the difference between those who struggle with persistent jealousy and those who don't isn't the presence of these thoughts… it's how they respond to them.
For most people, jealous thoughts are fleeting. They might feel a twinge of insecurity, and then move on with their day. But for those who really struggle, these thoughts can be a source of intense focus and distress.
The retroactive jealousy trap
Retroactive jealousy (obsessing over your partner's past) can be particularly challenging. You might imagine their previous relationships, comparing yourself to their exes, wondering if others were more attractive, or interesting, or better lovers. You might google or scroll through old Facebook photos of exes, or asking your partner the same questions over and over again.
This can lead to mental torture in the form of anger, depression, insecurity, low self-esteem, and hopelessness. And the more you try to stop thinking about it, the more trapped in your thoughts you feel.
Download our best tips on reducing anxiety and worrying
The paradox of fighting your feelings
Most people who struggle with jealousy believe they need to either completely eliminate their insecure and doubtful thoughts, or dig deeper to understand them. This creates a tricky paradox: 'I need to get to the bottom of why I'm so jealous, but I also need to stop having these thoughts at all.”
MCT helps you discover that engaging with these thoughts while trying to make them disappear is exactly what keeps the jealousy cycle alive. And it slowly chips away at your self-esteem when you spend large parts of your day comparing yourself to others and worrying about not being good enough.
You can’t “outthink” your jealousy
Many people think the solution lies in building better self-esteem, getting more reassurance from their partner, or gathering more information about the past in an attempt to 'overcome' their jealousy. These approaches feel logical, but they're counterproductive.
The more information you gather about your partner's past, the more you fuel your rumination. And seeking more reassurance isn't the solution – it's part of the problem. Trying to find the root cause of your jealousy might seem important, but it's not necessarily helpful. Not everyone with difficult relationship experiences or challenging childhoods develop jealousy issues. Your partner's past and your own history might have little to do with what's causing the jealousy today.
The real problem
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with you or your relationship. The problem lies in what you believe about your triggering thoughts and feelings, and how you're dealing with them.
For example:
'These thoughts must mean something.'
'I can't control my worry about my relationship.'
'Thinking the worst keeps me safe.'
These are called metabeliefs. And if you believe them, when jealous thoughts arise, you'll likely engage with them to find a solution, or try to get rid of them completely before you can move forward. This keeps you trapped in overthinking patterns. As long as you believe you have to dig into these thoughts, you'll continue engaging with them, which makes you feel worse.
A new approach
What if you knew that rumination and excessive reassurance-seeking were counterproductive? How much time and mental energy would you get back if you didn’t try to know every detail of your partner’s past?
The key is learning to relate differently to jealous thoughts when they come up. Instead of fighting them or feeding them, you can experiment with these Metacognitive Therapy exercises:
Practice detached mindfulness. Notice the jealous thoughts without engaging in, or trying to solve, them. When they appear, relate passively and see if you can refrain from responding.
Limit engagement time: Set aside 10-15 minutes in the evening for any rumination or questioning about past relationships. For the rest of the day, let the thoughts exist without engaging with them. This will show you that you have more control over your thinking than you realize, and those strong emotions you felt earlier may fade by the time you revisit them.
Postpone reassurance-seeking: When you feel the urge to ask your partner for details or validation, see if you can delay that impulse and refocus on what you were doing in the present moment, before you had the thought.
Remember, jealousy itself isn't the problem (almost everyone experiences it!). The issue is treating jealousy as something that must either be completely suppressed or thoroughly analyzed, which keeps you stuck.
Instead of fighting your jealous thoughts or diving deeper into them, try to let them exist without giving them too much attention. It doesn't make you good or bad in your relationship. Like clouds passing, thoughts can come and go without requiring your active participation. This shift in approach can be the key to breaking free from the impact of jealousy on your relationship and confidence.
This is easier said than done in practice, and many people find it difficult to apply this advice. That's completely normal, and it can get easier with the help of a certified MCT-therapist.
Curious if MCT is right for you? Take our quiz today.
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